I knew as soon as dropped my tree painting off that it would not make it into the the "Places" exhibit at DeCordova. It is a powerful piece, and one that I believe is the best I have ever painted. It captures my emotion and energy and works as a large composition. But as I dropped it off I saw how it did not fit in among the student works that were being dropped off; I knew that it would not make it into the show. It stood out. It was louder, stronger, more energetic and more intense than the usual entries--calm landscapes and peaceful pictures of flowers and doors--being dropped off. Where would such a large fiery piece go? Would the juror would find other pieces that worked with it? It was a doomed piece from the beginning.



Nevertheless I was sad and upset when I got the call saying it was not what the jurors were looking for. This is the second show this piece has been rejected from and I feel like it is the highlight of all my painting this year. To me so many things came together in this piece. In fact when I was in New York at MOMA and the National Academy I felt confident that this piece of all my paintings could hold it's own on the walls among the work I was seeing. I guess this is motivation to start seeking out a gallery to represent me.

I have not written in a while because my studio/study in the rental house was just too cold. I could actually see my breath on many days. And after a few minutes of sitting at my desk I would have to go into the kitchen and run my hands under hot water to warm them up. Brrrrrr! Although I love the snow and I love cross-country skiing, I am relieved to have things be a bit warmer so I can actually sit at my desk without freezing.



This semester I am taking two classes. Jill's class, which is mostly so I have at least one day where I paint and also so I have studio time--as well as some enjoyable social time. I also decided to take Tim's class again. Although he teaches the same class over and over again, I see how each time I take a class with him my drawing and composition skills improve. I know that his techniques work and I really respect his critiques and feedback. I also enjoy the way he is always introducing us to new artists who I have not heard about. But it is intense. And doing two classes leaves me with hardly any time to get stuff done around the house.

As for getting my art out there, well, I did not make it into the Cambridge Art Show. Last week while skiing I said to Roy that if I did not get in I was giving up art all together. But of course I can't do that, it is just not in me to do that. I have to create. But I was very saddened to once more not get into Cambridge Art. On the positive side my origami color wheel was accepted into the Concord Art Association Members Juried Exhibition as a craft. I have wanted to find a venue to display that ever since I created it last year. And I am so thrilled to have it on display. I hope everyone I know on the planet sees it as it is so me. I wonder if we have any photos of the state of my work area last spring when I was making it. That about sums up my creative process!



Meanwhile my art work is stagnant. I asked Tim if he thought it was a worthwhile pursuit to play with the forms and images that I create in his class and he said yes, which surprised me. But then when I do I seem to just create junk, which is frustrating.

Last Friday two of the paintings that I submitted to the Concord Art Association Members Juried Exhibition were accepted. I was very happy. The two pieces were "Isolation" from the daisy series and "Green Bottles 1" and "Green Bottles 2" from the green bottles series, which is framed as a dyptric.

Now for completing my Cambridge Art Association show entry!

Today I received a bag of thank-you notes and creations from the students in one of the classes where I taught origami. They were so sweet and wonderful. Each one was so precious and I am so touched by how many kids said that they are now really really interested in origami and have started looking at other origami books. It is inspiration for me to finish my guide for the teachers on the origami unit and to work on a grant proposal for funding to support further sessions in other schools.

Between the pre-vacation stress and school issues, I had not done any art for two weeks before vacation. Although I brought a sketch pad with me on our trip, I never really seemed to have the motivation or the energy to draw and create; so I was beginning to feel as though I had nothing more inside of me. I felt as though I created all the art that was there, and the burst of creativity that I had for the past two years has dried up and is now gone.

But I know how it is and sometimes the times that I least want to paint are the times when I paint the best. So it today I made a decision to force myself to paint. It was tempting to set up a straightforward still-life of items that I instinctively know how to paint. I could have just done some trivial apples or bottles. It would have been easy to make a simple painting and then return to the laundry and desk work that needed to get done. But as I walked around the house I realized that there was a view of "the tree" from the living room that I had done some sketches of with the intention of someday trying to paint it. It was not an easy thing to paint. Like painting the tree from the backyard, there were many many problems that would need to be resolved; and there was the challenge of having to set up my easel and a table so that I could actually work in the living room. But I pushed through my laziness, knowing that if I did not do this my artistic shut-down would only continue.



At first it felt like I was painting for the first time. I did not know where to begin or even what color to mix. I remembered how my teacher, Jill, talks about George Nick, saying to always mix a color that you love; so I did that. Once I got going the painting took over and it felt wonderful. I wish I had photographed the painting at various stages because it did change quite a bit over the two hours that I worked on it. I am pleased with the finished result but there is a part of me that wonders if there was not a better painting somewhere in the middle that I then killed as I continued to work on it. I suppose that's the way it always is.

It is good to know that all is not lost and there is still paint and ideas and emotion inside of me. One thing I love about this painting is the way the tree is sort of swinging the swing. I suppose it is a bit how I feel about what is going on right now with our children: that we are setting the swing in motion so that he can finally start to fly. Or so I hope.

Today I taught the last of several origami workshops for I have been teaching over the past week at the local elementary school. It has been an amazing experience. First, it is so much fun to teach this year because I know so many of children so well. Second it has been fun to see what happens when I when I teach all of the classes in the fifth grade. There is an enthusiasm about the origami that is contagious and it has been a pleasure to watch. The other nice thing is the response I have received from parents. Parents keep coming up to me and telling me how excited their children were by what I taught them and how they carried that enthusiasm home. A few have gone so far as to tell me it is the most exciting thing the kids have done so far this year.



This year more than any other I was especially pleased about how the workshop went. I created a handout to help the children make the units after I walked them through the first unit. And I spent more time than usual talking about math, art and origami at the beginning. In my final class there was a little boy who had already created a modular origami item. I figured that he would probably end up being my assistant and not learn that much in the hour I was there. I was wrong. Although he had created this structure he was doing so mostly without thinking, and through my workshop gained a much greater understanding of the math involved.

My only disappointment was that the most of the teachers did not seem ready when I left to take the children's enthusiasm and expand on it. So I am now working on a hand out to give them to help them figure out how they can incorporate what I taught into lessons that they may have later in the year with mathematics.

It was my painting teacher, Jill Pottle, who planted the seed in my head of somehow combining my passion for origami with my painting.

She unleashed an obsession. I love painting and I love pattern and I started to really explore making these large sheets of transformations and seeing what happened when I cut them up and folded them. I have only recently started to get results that I am really happy with, although I discovered that I often loved the sheets I created as works of art before they were cut up, and I would sometimes regret cutting them up. But it has all been part of the bigger exploration that is going on.

It sucks! Oh well. Keep trying I suppose. What else am I supposed to do?

I can't stand this -- waiting to hear from the Cambridge Art Association if I am in the "Blue" show or not. It is awful. I keep trying to get my mind prepared for the hurt of being rejected and yet I can't seem to get myself into a state of mind where I know it will be OK if I am, and that worries me. It is just such an awful feeling, even though I know that my work was enjoyed by so many this weekend, and also by my classmates and teacher. It would still feel lousy to be excluded from the show. My stomach is in knots and I can't seem to get it to calm down. I wish I would just hear already.

Today I tried printing my flower and grass block print on fabric. It turned out OK, not great. I will need to experiment with techniques for this.



I made some other pattern sheets and will cut them up this week to see how they look when folded. I am not yet sure if they will give me the effect I want.



I also decided that the "three unrelated object" painting that I did in class (the carrot, paintbrush and light bulb) are my three teens pulling away from me.



I know it was not what I was thinking when I was painting, but the more I look at it the more I realize that my feelings about the kids getting so big is definitely in the painting. My youngest is the carrot, all sweetness and the object the least filled with an energy about leaving the canvas. My oldest is the paintbrush: creative, strong (red) and influencing the carrot and the light bulb with it's powerful gestures. And my middle one is the light bulb, translucent, fragile and yet also a prominent element in our lives.

Passed a reminder today.
With his big head and small body he toddled away
from dad.
Looking back every few steps
for assurance.

Eager to
see them do this.
Tired from their constant clinging.
Wanting time to
move forward just a bit faster

Now they walk away.
They look back
not for assurance
but to make sure that I am not following.

Today I continued to explore the use of color and curvy brush strokes to create paper that seemed layered and dimensional even after it was folded. It works and then it doesn't. I tried one with complementary colors (purple and orange) that sort of works, but it could use something else and I am not sure what it is.



I also tried my block print using the Japanese paper that Jill, my teacher, suggested. It worked nicely and then I painted it with the acrylic ink and was very pleased with what I created.

I was thrilled at how everyone in my painting class today reacted to my East Street Tree painting. One of the woman who runs the school also saw it and reacted quite positively.

In class I also completed my painting of the carrot, paint brush, and the light bulb. I am thinking of calling it "ménage au trios", since I managed to pull it off and the three objects do indeed look like they are all dancing together on the canvas. It's very cool. I am starting to feel myself become more and more in control of the paint and the medium and so it is becoming increasingly easier for me to consciously get the effects I desire with paint as I work. I am beginning to feel some mastery over it all!



Also, I visited David Caras and made a print of my Jar Series. I am so happy with the results. I made five prints and they are beautiful. I can't wait to see them framed.

Today, with the help of my husband and webmaster, I hung my first solo show of paintings at the Lexington Starbucks. I am not sure if I will ever get over the nervous anxiety that I feel when my paintings are hung in public. Somehow I feel so exposed so vulnerable. Yet, being who I am, want to just sit there sipping tea and listening to see if anyone comments on them. Or maybe I don't.



What's strange is that I like these paintings for what they are. They are works, unlike some of my other successful projects that are mostly decorative and that I enjoy and would want on my own walls. I still, I am nervous about what others might say or feel when they look at them. Will they see all the subtle issues that come out when I paint, like the way the big teapot towers over and dominates the other tea pot in "Cuddling". Will they realize that the bottles that I titled "Marriage" was about my anger at the whole gay-marriage debate and how ridiculous those who oppose it are being?



On a more practical level I hope some of the paintings sell. I think they would make lovely presents for the holiday and look great in a kitchen. We shall see.

Today I worked on the large painting of the tree. Although the painting had many things that were wonderful about it, it was not working as a complete piece: the top was not integrated into the rest. I have been waiting for days for the weather to be right for me to go out and work on it and today was an Indian summer day, perfect for doing work outside. I was also fortunate that this particular maple is one of the last trees to loose it's leaves. I believe it is the same tree that is outside of my daughter's window on Somerset Road.



The work was frustrating, and all the problems that plagued me when I was doing the small studies returned as I worked on this larger piece. I kept hoping to capture some of the energy and lusciousness of the paint that I had when I did my work in class last week, but alas that eluded me as everything I seemed to do something luscious the piece looked fragmented.

I will be interested to see what Jill says about the piece. It became much darker and definitely has atmosphere to it. Part of me sees it as a successful piece that holds together. Part of me is upset that I failed to find a way to move paint against paint to capture the tree.

It is a miserable rainy cold fall day and all I want to do is paint. But my studio space is a mess and I have hardly had any time the past two weeks to do anything about it. So alas I must not give in to my urge and spend some time getting this space under control, lest I be buried under my supplies and art.