So today I am 60. It is hard to believe I am 12 times as old as Roen who will turn 5 in a week. I want to be able to say to myself that 60 is the new 50 or that age doesn’t matter. But my body is telling me otherwise. I continue to struggle with my back and tendinopathy. The shockwave helped but I am still far from being where I want to be.
60 also feels different. When I turned 30 I was a young mother and life was exciting and I thought I was exactly where I wanted to be at 30. When I was 40 I was so focused on helping our middle son it seemed nothing else really mattered. When I turned 50 we had an amazing summer. I attended Origami USA In NYC and we trained and cycled Ride London riding 107+ miles in one day. I felt physically strong. I had been shortlisted by the Royal Academy for the summer exhibition and although the work did not get hung I knew it was good and I felt excited about my own art creation.
But my 50s were filled with big changes. I lost a dear friend who was close to me in age to breast cancer. And every time I experience a graduation, a marriage, a birth I am reminded that this friend did not get to see her 5 children morph into the adults they are today or get to know her grandchildren. It is a reminder to be grateful.
And how grateful I am for the blessings that happened in my 50s. My kid’s significant others are amazing incredible people. Each one brings something essential to our family. And those grand-girls. Well if you have read any of my blog you know how much they mean to me and how much I enjoy them. Even if they do exhaust me. This weekend at the Norwich VT Farmer’s Market Roen and I looked at the crafts and saw somebody selling necklaces made from paper beads. We bought a tool to make paper beads at Learning Express and I was helping her make them on Tuesday. While making the beads Roen just stopped and said, “I love you Grandma” and my heart melted. The 2 year olds are both so different and yet so similar. I love the way Nikko who is obsessed with mermaids calls boobies “seashells” and the way Maeve is a little clown. Maeve had an ear infection this week and told me she had a “Witch” in her ear. I love the way Nikko recites and sings “Cat Problems” while running around and the way Maeve recites songs from school. My kids are in interesting careers and I respect and marvel at what each one has achieved already professionally.
I am grateful to not have lost a parent yet. Many of my peers lost their own parents during this decade and I need to be grateful that Roy and I still have all four of them. But it has been hard watching our parents age and it is hard not to look at them and their choices around aging and think about our own aging and what we want and even what will be available to us. I once asked Roen to get off the running board* on the stroller so I could more easily push her sister and stroller up a hill. Roen complained. And I joked that someday she might have to push me up a hill when I am old and frail. Without missing a beat, Roen said, “No I won’t, my mom will.”
*For those who don’t know running boards are these little standing platforms that attach to strollers so an older kid can stand and be pushed.
But back to me. The problem with this new decade is frustration. The return to “normal” after covid left me despondent that humanity is going to be able to address climate change. I never imagined staring at an existential crises that is going to define the future for ALL moving forward. And I am fearful of what the state of the planet will be like in the decade to come. Are we not supposed to leave our children a better world? What have I done in my 60 years to contribute to this crises? The cars I drove? The flights I took? The meals I ate? The stuff I bought? Everyone who is an adult living who participates in capitalistic practices has their share of blood on their hands but how are we to make a difference? What responsibility do I have, do my peers have, does anyone have? Should I lie in front of traffic, get arrested, throw paint in protest? So much needs to be changed to make things right and yet too many in power don’t seem to care or have the will power to change it.
I have been involved with local farming since the time my children were born and I have seen the changes especially here in New England due to climate change. Farming likes predictability. But climate changes means there is little predictability to be found. This summer was catastrophic for some farmers and it breaks my heart. This time of year when the harvest peaks and it is a time of so much joy for somebody like me who likes to cook. I often freeze what I can so I can have a burst of summer in February. But this year with the tomatoes being lousy and expensive it is just not worth it and that makes me sad.
This is 60!!!